***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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