She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
