maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
