Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
