I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
