Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
