Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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