so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
