my phone needs a breathalizer
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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