Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
