I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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