there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
