go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
