I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
