Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
