taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
