Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
