my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
