We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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