So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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