question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
