I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize