Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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