I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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