Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
