areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
