How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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