dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
