i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
