You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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