I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
