remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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