you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
