we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
