Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
