I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
