he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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