Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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