Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
