I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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