I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
