Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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