don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
