I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
