I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
