How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
