I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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