I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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