there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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