I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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