When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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