It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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