how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
