What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
