Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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