dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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