I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
