Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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