everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
