Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
