the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
