God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
