I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
