I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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