I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
