hell yes lets make some ravioli
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
