please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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