Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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