Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
